when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So vagazzling was a success
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize