I met the friendliest cop last night
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
