i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
