i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
