tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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