nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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