if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
