you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
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One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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