There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
