He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
