Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
