the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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