dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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