My friends, they love my intelligence
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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