I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
