Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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