i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
