I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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