you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
