So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Randomize
