I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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