My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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