How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
