I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Randomize
