we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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