Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
