I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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