she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
