Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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