Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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