one word: firstdatebathroomanal
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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