You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
