i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
