Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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