the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
