Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
