atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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