I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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