Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
