The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
