I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
