I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
