mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
