Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
