my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The struggles of a small town man whore
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
