So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
