I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
