Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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