when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
