When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm at about main and main street
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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