On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
